It made a crease in my brain. In the space where it decided to take up permanent residence, my neurons flicker with neon brilliance when conflict arises. The surprising frequency with which my synapses link to this singular moment befuddles me; mostly because the exchange was brief and seemed, at the time, like such a nothing-burger.
For lawyers, particularly trial lawyers, conflict is the order of the day, most days. Litigators fight for a living. Fight for causes and clients and principles and the rule of law. Lawyers stand between quarreling parties, in front of zealous adversaries and before judges who do their very best to separate the bravado from the facts and the law. Complicated cases often last for years so micro wins and losses are just part of the daily grind. Incremental wins, often met by motions for reconsideration, aren’t always final. And incremental losses, in the long course of a case, are rarely fatal.
And while conflict was definitely routine in my lawyer days, I think the brain-creasing exchange with the other attorney stuck with me because he wasn’t an opposing counsel. He was my partner. A friend. Someone I deeply respected. I don’t remember what the substance of the conflict was? Why he came to my office that day and shut the door? But I do remember his posture [humble], his demeanor [saddened], and the essence of what he said:
“My grandmother taught me that when you inadvertently iron a crease in a piece of fabric, it’s nearly impossible to iron it out. No matter how hard you press it flat, you always see that faint reminder of the crease embedded in the fabric. I hate that this may have caused a crease in the fabric of our friendship.”
To the extent it was up to him, he was going to do whatever he could to eliminate any remnant of a breach. So effective was his bold determination to de-crease the conflict, I can no longer recall the substance of what happened. The crease was simply gone.
No crease.
Years later, when my dry-cleaning showed up one day with a giant “Do-Over” tag hanging from one of the items, much like the one you see in this mission pack, I thought about my partner. With all the authority of Adam in the garden, this tag was naming for me the thing I clumsily referenced as “the crease story.” I’m not sure how the dry cleaner missed the mark. Maybe the garment wasn’t clean enough or creased enough or creased in the wrong places? I don’t remember, but that do-over tag was a compelling confirmation of the claim on the white paper logo that covered the top of each hanger – We Love Our Customers!
Love longs for a do-over when we’ve missed the mark, doesn’t it?
When our son went off to college, a barrage of “do-over” thoughts showed up in my grey matter. During one of our phone chats, my son asked me if I would watch the movie About Time. “You will love it Mom.”
Before you read on: If you haven’t seen it and you’ll be disappointed by my disclosure of the major premise and punch-line of the movie, please stop here. I can’t complete this do-over loop without this spoiler.
The 2013 Sci-Fi Romantic Comedy explores the question:
What if we could go back and relive a moment until we got it right?
This is the power actor Bill Nighy has, the father in the film. When his 21-year-old son discovers he also has this ability, his father advises him to live each day twice -- once with all the normal conflicts, and then again with a deeper appreciation for the miracle of life. The problem the son soon discovers is that every trip back in time to change something affects other parts of his life. Parts he wouldn’t want to change.
At the end of the film, the son says this:
“The truth is I now don't travel back at all, not even for the day. I just try to live every day as if I've deliberately come back to this one day, to enjoy it, as if it was the full final day of my extraordinary, ordinary life.”
Domhnall Gleeson as Tim in the movie About Time.
It was what my law partner did in my office that day. He didn’t wait. He came back. That day. He asked for a do-over while it was fresh. It’s what the dry cleaner did when they missed the mark. They asked for a do-over. Before they lost a customer.
It makes you wonder what life would be like if we carried around a pile of do-over tags in our pockets. If we reset the normal rhythm of our lives to pass them out like tic tacs as soon as a conflict arose. “Can we have a do-over on that? I didn’t handle that at all well. I want to iron it out?” Or, “I sense a grain of sand between us. Do we need a do-over on something? Talk to me.”
It’s the rhythm Matthew 5:23-24 sets for us:
“Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift.”
Matthew 5:23-24
It starts with NO CREASE: You thought there was no crease in the relationship or you put it out of your mind or you chose to let it fester. It moves to a CREASE: God creases our hearts and reminds us to address it. And it ends with a DO-OVER: You go right away and do your part to iron it out. Your part. To the extent it is up to you.
It is a reconciliation rhythm we are called in faith to master.
Our Mission:
Our March 2024 mission is to practice keeping our conflict accounts short… to start right where we are, and to practice reconciliation before things grow and fester and divide and separate.
In your Mission Pack you will find 8 dry cleaning tags: 2 white NO CREASE tags; 2 blue CREASE tags; and 4 DO-OVER tags. If you aren’t receiving our equipping pieces automatically in the mail, or you'd simply like a set of these, you can sign up here: RIDICULOUS HOUR PREFERENCE FORM. Mission packs are free and arrive monthly in your mailbox by snail mail or your inbox by email or both.
Start with the NO CREASE tags. Can you think of two times recently when someone approached you after a conflict seeking reconciliation? They knew you were still upset. They wanted to iron out the crease in your relationship. Write them down. One on each tag.
Now pick up the two blue CREASE tags. Can you think of two times recently when you went to someone because you knew they were upset about how things went down between you? You wanted to iron out the crease in your relationship. Write them down. One on each tag.
Here’s our core question: Are you doing your part to dance to this rhythm? To the extent it is up to you? Do you have a heart for reconciliation? We have been reconciled to God in Christ. He loves us while we are far from Him. Resistant to Him. He loves us first. He goes first. He brings us into the ministry of reconciliation. Are we living this?
As March progresses, consider how you might use those DO-OVER tags to address conflict right away. What if you offered a do-over as soon as conflict arose? “Hey, can I have a do-over on that. I don’t like the lingering separation between us. Talk to me.” Can you use all four tags before the month ends?
Our goal is to live responsively by mastering this rhythm in daily life.
